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Blind Chihuahua


More to religion
than pleasing
your imaginary friend

If there’s one point on which the majority of Christians agree, it is that God created sex. So why should heathens get all the good information? Move over, Ananga-Ranga. Tantrics take a hike.  No more asking for plain brown wrappers, waiting until no one’s around to ask the clerk for a magazine hidden behind the counter, or settling for the insipid sweetness found on the shelves of most Christian book stores’ “Marriage and Family” section. Thomas Nelson Publishers has stepped up to the plate with its new Song of Solomon imprint—all things sexual for the believing couple (also married, definitely married—clerks are instructed to ask for proof before completion of sale). Its first publication hits stands in December 2007, sure to raise eyebrows and make nuptial news everywhere…

By the time Abraham and Sarah got together, the ancient Chinese had already written sex manuals. When Esther asked the head eunuch for pointers before meeting Ahasuerus for the first time, Hindus were enjoying the Kama Sutra and worshipping at carved temples bearing (and baring) explicit depictions of what they referred to as “congress” (and that kind of politics, we could use more of).

Since AD 984, Taoists in Japan have been ogling shunga (erotic art) from the Ishimpo, while the Native American version of sacred sexuality, Quodoushka, has been around for millennia. And around the same time Calvin was born, Muslims could check out Sheikh Nefzawi’s The Perfumed Garden (complete with advice, instructions, and remedies for ED) from the local library tent.

In fact, spokesman for Thomas Nelson Poori Tanikle says that of the major religions, “only Christian libidos throughout history have been handicapped by the absence of a basic ‘how-to,’ perhaps directly related to Job’s admission (31:1) of making a ‘covenant with (his) eyes’ not to look lustfully at girls and, by extension, pictures of them. But even Paul—often given a bad rap where marriage is discussed—maintained that the husband ‘owns’ his wife’s body and the wife ‘owns’ her husband’s,” says Tanikle. “Helloooo….can anyone say ‘owner’s manual’? This is a concept whose time has finally come — no pun intended.”

Selections from The Christian Kama Sutra’s promotional materials, set to hit the pages of Christianity Today, Charisma, and Discipleship Journal later this year:

  • Learn ancient marital positions that Abraham and Sarah may have used (or possibly Abe and Hagar)!
  • Solomon had 1000 wives—you’re blessed with only one, so variety is even more important!
  • Fully illustrated by Christian artists! *
  • Livestock and swinging apparatus are optional!
  • Discount price when purchased with Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages!) ESSENTIAL for those whose languages are Touch (also Acts of Service)!
  • Also available in The Purpose Driven Couples’ Version with forward by Rick and Kay Warren!
  • Additional versions to be published in 2008:
    • The Southern Baptist Version (illustrated couples fully clothed; no standing positions that could be inadvertently mistaken for dancing)
    • The Orthodox Jewish Version (includes one set queen-size bed sheets with strategically placed hole)
    • The American Family Association’s Approved Version (no illustrations, euphemisms for all body parts)
    • The Vineyard Version (small group discussion format with accompaniment DVD/CD, incense, candles, floor pillows, and facilitator’s guide)

Selected Reviewer Comments:

  • "United we stand! Whew!" — Senators Bob and Elizabeth Dole
  • "If this had been written 20 years ago, we'd still be on TV." — Rev. Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker
  • "Many tried and true techniques." — Rev. Jimmy Swaggart
  • "Nihil Obstat. Be fruitful. Raise Catholics." — Benedict XVI

*no live models were used in the illustration of this book so as to avoid placing stumbling blocks or otherwise tempting the artists.

It's easier if you just go with your instincts. But you gotta have lots of attitude and big teeth.

Some studies indicate that in the US, conservative Christians have more and better sex (with their spouses, of course) than their peers. Hmmmm.